Dear Women In Tech,

Do you ever get so stressed out at work that you indulge the idea of taking a moderately well-paying job with reasonable hours in a stable industry with men who aren’t going to constantly sexually harass you?  Do you dream of a place you can finally settle down and relax?

Have you recently considered Wall Street?

I know it may sound counterintuitive, but our industry is a cozy, welcoming environment now.  The combination of the 2008 financial crisis and the rise of tech has all but obliterated the alpha male ego of the average financier.  In 2017, Wall Street is full of a bunch of puppies.  Do you ever feel an overwhelming need to be around puppies?  If so, finance may be a great fit for you. We offer the burned out young professional female a bevy of other therapeutic benefits:

Dominance

Believe it or not, the normal Wall Street analyst and associate now went to a non-target like Purdue University.  That’s right – Purdue…the state school…in Indiana.  Gone are the days when you’d be working alongside some summa Harvard graduate in Politics who grew up reading Machiavelli’s The Prince and simultaneously wants you to be his best friend (with benefits), drinking buddy (with benefits), and mother (with benefits).  Now, you’ll be working alongside Rudy.

Soft Skin

Look – I’m not saying you can’t beat the Harvard guy or that you’re “weaker” than him.  Not at all.  I imagine you do it daily.  But Rudy listens.  He yields.  He cares.  Do you realize how easy it is to outmaneuver a male with those characteristics?  Think about all that hassle-free dopamine!

Stability

I know you’re capable of handling the giant emotional swings of the boom-bust Silicon Valley business model, but have you ever stopped to consider why you are exposing yourself to that kind of volatility.  It’s Wall Street’s 200th anniversary this year – that’s a lot longer track record than tech.  The DOW is about to clear 25,000.  Work-life balance is now enforced at every major firm here.  And when our bubbles burst, we get bailed out.  Can you even remember the last time finance was making headlines for doing something evil?  Men here are so terrified of losing the little social capital they have that they’re docile.  Now that’s peace of mind.

Zero Pretense

I know what you’re thinking – isn’t it “important” to be a meaningful contributor to society and at least try to fight through the battles to make your industry more progressive and balanced?  The answer is: No.  In finance, we know we’re not the coolest or richest or doing anything all that special.  And we gave up on progress decades ago.  In many ways, we’re the most liberated work environment around – is there any safer space than one where there’s no pressure and no one cares…about anything?

So the next time you come home at 1am after a long day of trying to build your own business or battling it out with a bunch of overeducated assholes trying to change the world with artificial intelligence or augmented reality software, ask yourself some deep questions: What is reality, anyway? Does any of this even matter? Am I actually making that big a difference, after all?

Allow yourself to really start spiraling down that rabbit hole until you can feel it destroying you completely.  Then remember that Wall Street offers everything you really need.  And in giving up on trying to be exceptional, you might gain what you were originally searching for:

Freedom.

Please send resumes to surrender@gs.com.

Cindy Kim
Managing Director
Goldman Sachs