Thursday, April 26, 2007
Only 87% Tool
Dear Andrew,
Note: Your representative at Glocap has been unreachable, so we decided to contact you directly.
Thank you very much for your recent application to the Texas-Pacific Group. Your resume and glowing recommendation from your MD were both somewhat impressive. We applaud your efforts to transition from Banking into Private Equity, it is definitely the right move right now. We were considering extending you an offer, actually, but upon review of the quiz you inadvertently submitted to for the New York Post, we regret to inform you that we will be unable to offer you a position at our firm.
Please note that you did score an 87%, which is nothing to be ashamed of. It turns out to a B+ with our generous scaling, and you know what they say—at least you won’t be lonely at the fat part of the bell curve. We only take A’s though. Have you considered a position at Hellman & Friedman?
Please see my edits and scoring below in red below (we know how you like red!!). We start the score at 100 and then subtract and add points as appropriate. Essentially, if had you had said nothing, you would have scored 100%.
TOOLS OF THE TRADE
By LINDSAY EDELSTEIN
THE INVESTMENT BANKER
Andrew, 24
Salary estimate: $190,000, including projected bonus (-2 for not lying)
Job: We help companies raise capital and grow their business. (+5 for lying and making Banking sound semi-cool!)
CLOTHES
Suit: Hickey Freeman suit, $2,749 (+1 for overpaying). “I have about 10 suits and usually buy them at Hickey Freeman and Paul Stuart (+1). I have two really heavy pin-stripe suits that I’d classify as ‘power suits.’ Bankers never wear double-breasted suits, it’s a fashion faux pas (+1 for French). I get all of my suits tailored in Rochester, N.Y (-2 for going somewhere north of 86th street that’s not The Hamptons). There is a Romanian couple that have been doing my father’s suits for years. They are trusted in the family, and 10 times better than any of the tailors I’ve used in the city.” (We know that family: Ionescu. All the legit tailors in that lineage are still in Romania. -5 for not flying them over personally.)
White shirt: “There’s a saying in the banking world that you can never have too many blue suits or white shirts (-2, they also said this at IBM circa 1965). I get mine from Hickey Freeman [$149-$249] as my standby, but I also shop at Charles Tyrwhitt [$99-$200] (+0, Fine brand, but we have a feeling you shop at their Madison Avenue store, which is across the street from Men’s Warehouse), Thomas Pink [$149-$249] (+1) and Turnbull and Asser [over $250] (+1). I get my white shirts heavy-starched (+1).”
Collar: “I always buy cutaway collars (+1) and French cuffs (+1) from the British stores (Tyrwhitt, Pink, Turnbull & Asser), and Barrel (button) cuffs from Hickey Freeman.”
Watch: Breitling Navitimer, $5,299 (+3). “Bankers have a complex with having a watch. Far and beyond the most popular watch is a Rolex Submariner (+1)– black or white face, half bezel is blue. The Navitimer comes in a few different sizes and shapes.” Nice work on this section!
Shoes: Ferragamo loafers, $395 at Saks Fifth Avenue. “The standard banker shoe is a fashion loafer or a tie cap toe.” (-5 for not shopping at Bergdorf.)
Tie: Hickey Freeman (again with the Hickey?) tie, $125. “The two tie brands that embody the investment banker are Hermes (+1) and Salvatore Ferragamo (+1). I don’t wear a lot of Ferragamo because they tie small knots and are usually pastel – I like thicker knots (+1) and cutaway collars (+0, whoops, already got this one). Every now and then I’ll pick up some pastels from Brooks Brothers (-8, [shudder]). I’ve bought one or two Ferragamo ties from the outlet (-4 because we don’t understand what that last word means). But I buy most of my ties from Hickey Freeman (-5 for acting like you’re sponsored by them). They retail anywhere from $98-$130.”
Brands missed
(-1 for each, -1 for lack of inventiveness making us think about off-the-rack clothes):
Armani, Gucci, Eton, Hilditch & Key, Brioni, Kiton, Canali, Versace
TOOLS
PDA: A BlackBerry 8700c (-2, one for every year old this phone is. Get an 8800 or at least a Pearl, kid!), it’s gray with black trim. “I bought mine at the Cingular store in Midtown. (we are going to be nice and neglect this comment) At first, people are apprehensive and they think it’s a virtual leash. Now I can’t imagine life without it. (+5 for never being out of pocket!)
Red pen: “I keep a pen behind my ear at all times. I never used red pens before, now I always do – it stands out.” (We’re not really big on the whole ‘analog’ thing. How could you forget MS Excel as a tool? -8.)
GROOMING
Shoe-shining: “I like to shine my own shoes. You can get a shine kit at any shoe retailer with brush, polish and cloth. But in an emergency, there are shoe-shiners walking around on our floor offering to shine our shoes [$5].” (-3 for not actively supporting Taylorism and division of labor).
TASTES
Cigars: “My favorite cigar is a CAO Brazilia (+2, no MX2, though?), with Partagas Black Label (+1) coming in close behind. I buy most of my cigars at JR Cigar on 46th and Fifth. Sometimes I will buy from Barclay Rex on Lexington Avenue, and sometimes I order them by the box on Thompson Cigar online. I’ve been smoking cigars for four years now, it’s even on my résumé (+3, good form). Liking cigars is a good talking point (talk to the -2).” (Fyi, at TPG we only smoke individually muled cigars from Cuba, rolled by no one over the age of 7.)
Red Bull: “Every two weeks I buy a 12-pack of sugar-free (-3) Red Bull. I have one before I get in the shower, and then I drink one on the way to work. I don’t really drink coffee because it’s a slow process. Redbull is portable and it gets you ready to embrace the day.” (+7 for “willing to do what it takes”-ness, -3 for shoddy arithmetic).
Blanton’s: “The only alcohol I drink is Blanton’s whiskey (+.5), Woodford Reserve (a small-batch bourbon) (+.5) and Glenlivet 15-year (a single-malt scotch) (They make scotches aged fewer than 18 years?! -10 for knowing that.). There’s a good liquor place on 86th Street between Broadway and Amsterdam that I go to every now and then.”
Bar: “The bad side of the long hours. After six months, I noticed people started calling me less and less (+25 for being able to “give us your all”). Some of my friends and I go to Milk & Honey (-3 for being behind the game). It’s really small and there are rules. Men can’t approach women, you have to make reservations and they chip the ice into your drink. At the other end of the spectrum is Yogi’s. They have $7 pitchers of Bud Ice. ’nuff said.” (-2 for not helping out The Patriot, +1 cause Yogi’s is owned by the same guy).
Thanks again for your application. I’m actually only in HR here at TPG, so this is just a first pass, and I’m sure I may have missed some stuff (the folks here seem to agree with us and might have provided additional input). We do understand you may have had limited time while answering these questions and that reporters tend to take things out of context, so we tried to take that into consideration. But you’re a bit of a media extravaganza now, so I’m sure you’ll understand that our hands are tied.
Best of luck,
Corinne Lee
Texas-Pacific Group
—
Andrew, sorry about the lack of contact–they disabled my email account. To be honest, it’s looking pretty grim. I hear Strategic M&A at Blimpie has an opening, though. What do you say? Free subs!
Jenna Luckham
Glocap Search
April 26th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Well done.
April 26th, 2007 at 10:56 am
glocap chicks are the worst
April 26th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Jenna, I have not sunk that low yet! Blimpie, please! Isn?t there something at Quizno?s at least?
April 26th, 2007 at 11:24 am
Were not really big on the whole analog thing. Too good, man. Too good.
April 26th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
French cuffs, very good ! I?m still surpised by american trader wages? I must work in USA?moreover in France there The Return of Socialism?horror isn?t ?
April 26th, 2007 at 12:49 pm
(100) to the Sellout for not excoriating young Andrew on his pathetic horological tastes. 1. Breitlings are blingy rubbish just a few gold-plate bezel-nubs above a Tag from Costco. 2. The Submariner comes only in black face on steel or in blue face with gold or steel/gold bracelets. Extra points for green 50th anniversary bezel or red face model issued only to Coca-Cola boardmembers. 3. The aforementioned ”white face” Rolex is the Explorer II, and the ”half blue bezel” is the GMT-Master II. In summation: if you want a massive steel sport watch from a legitimate watchmaker, strap on an Audemars Royal Oak Offshore and call me in the morning.
April 26th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
thanks but no thanks, this website is for bankers not watchmaking apprentices god the perfect movement on my Franck Muller Conquistador just gave me wood
April 26th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
-100 points for using Glocap – TPG does not use them, nor would any top-tier PE firm restrict their recruiting to a lowest common-denominator headhunting group like Glocap. Although I?m sure Glocap would be a great way to land a pretty sweet gig at Accenture or D&T.
April 26th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
‘1. Breitlings are blingy rubbish just a few gold-plate bezel-nubs above a Tag from Costco. 2. The Submariner comes only in black face on steel or in blue face with gold or steel/gold bracelets. Extra points for green 50th anniversary bezel or red face model issued only to Coca-Cola boardmembers. 3. The aforementioned white face??? Rolex is the Explorer II, and the half blue bezel??? is the GMT-Master II.” And lets not forget the Rolex Daytona – which also has a white face and is far more difficult to come by? great piece!
April 26th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Paul Newman Rolex Daytona. All Audemars watches look like fucking stop signs with a second hand.
April 26th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
I don?t think anyone consideres the hamptons north of 86th street, whether or not it is at a higher latitude.
April 26th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Nice work!
April 26th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
‘Ive bought one or two Ferragamo ties from the outlet (-4 because we dont understand what that last word means).” If this is like it is here in Montreal, then outlet = discount warehouse store where you get the end-of-season (and last season?s) clothes. In other words, he got them on sale.
April 26th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
I think outlets are where poor people shop, although it is a notch above ebay
April 26th, 2007 at 5:31 pm
yeah no shit ladyjaye you fucking idiot.
April 26th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
-100 for not revealing the algorithm that led to the 87%/B+. -50 for the Hamptons ”north” comment. Oh, and ladyjaye is either a zen master of subtle humor or a complete tool – odds are it?s the latter?
April 26th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Will the fucking Canadians quit posting on this site? The equivalence of a Montreal discount warehouse to an American outlet mall puts me at some level of ”I don?t give a fuck” I can barely comprehend.
April 26th, 2007 at 6:59 pm
the blimpie bit really spoilt the show..
April 26th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
Give me a fucking break. Add it all up and this jamokey spends more than he makes! I bet his bosses make him buy all the drinks! -D on W 103rd –
April 26th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
Fyi, at TPG we only smoke individually muled cigars from Cuba, rolled by no one over the age of 7.??? hahahaExcellent!
April 26th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
Ditto on the watches. Who wears loafers? Who starches their shirts? Who pays >$2500 for an off-the-rack suit? What legitimate banker buys his own BB for work?
April 26th, 2007 at 11:44 pm
How do you get an 87 on any test and end up in banking? I guess thats how he ended up at Bear. Clearly middle market material.
April 27th, 2007 at 3:45 am
‘At least you wont be lonely at the fat part of the bell curve?” lol Excellent post!
April 27th, 2007 at 5:57 am
Agree on the Glocap reference being a negative, but ironically the link is to SG Partners, which does the TPG searches, so maybe -0.5 points
April 27th, 2007 at 6:48 am
I?ve heard just about enough from people from Canada. Canada is basically the ”outlet store” or ”Duane Reade brand” of the U.S.
April 27th, 2007 at 7:49 am
‘Thank you very much for your recent application to the Texas-Pacific Group.” The scentence should not read ”THE Texas-Pacific Group”, but: ”Thank you very much for your recent application to Texas-Pacific Group.” Please tidy up your posts before submitting them online.
April 27th, 2007 at 8:13 am
One of the better recent posts..priced to perfection. and picking on the Canuck is brilliant. I totally agree that Audemars look like freakin? stop signs BTW?
April 27th, 2007 at 8:20 am
Speaking of tidy posts, you just spelled ”sentence” with an extra ”C” you fucking short-bus retard.
April 27th, 2007 at 9:58 am
This herb is clearly a commercial banker. He states that a 12 pack of sugar free red bull lasts him two weeks and he drinks 2 a day. By my math assuming 5 business days, you would need 20 red bulls to last 2 weeks. Long LSO, short commercial banker herb, neutral Red Bull here.
April 27th, 2007 at 10:13 am
Wow, good work ”models and bottles”, great catch on the math! I guess you didn?t realize the original post ALREADY POINTED THAT OUT? Do you hang out with models because they?re too dumb to realize what an idiot you are?
April 27th, 2007 at 11:50 am
Wow, why are you so mad? Maybe it?s because you work at a shitty back office job and live in a 5th floor walkup on 112th Street and can never get in to Tenjune, Pink Elephant and Cain. Don?t worry, maybe you can get into Joshua Tree. Go early though.
April 27th, 2007 at 11:54 am
I think some people in this forum may no the answer to this. Please help. Is it possible to enter a bulge bracket firm at the Associate level as a lateral hire if one does not have an MBA?
April 27th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
M&B is obviously a commercial banker or a shitty summer intern at wachovia. what self respecting banker only works 5 days a week?
April 27th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
‘models and bottles” – I?m not mad, just pointing out what an idiot you are. It?s funny that when someone calls focus on your painfully inadequate mental facilities you must resort to the fall-back position of citing your job and where you live. It must suck not to have any redeeming qualities like a personality, class, or intelligence. You were obviously picked on a lot in school.
April 27th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
People should just layoff him. Granted, he made a mistake by talking to the media, but the reporter screwed him by changing all his comments. I hear he was talking about what people do in the industry, not himself. Stop picking on this guy to make yourself feel better about your life. Andrew, youre still an idiot for talking to a reporter!
April 27th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Big respect Canada
April 27th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
If you?re a banker who needs bottles to pick up models, you?re not much of a man. Or a banker.
April 27th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
Pretty sure he?s referring to Excel models?
April 27th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
Is Canda still considered a country? I thought it is just a place that Americans put things they don?t want, like Hockey, Mullets and Molsen Beer. If its considered a country than, I guess the landfills in Staten Island should be considered cities, and hire mayors
April 27th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
Canda is not a coutray brah Canada, however, is
April 27th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Great Pic Andrew! If I see you on the streetI?m soooooooooooo robbing you?
April 27th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
This is f@$%_(*g hilarious. The second read is even funnier than the first. Brilliant!
April 27th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
MSRP Breitling Navitimer: $5,270.
April 27th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
he says only alcohol he drinks are classy hard alcs, but he goes to yogi?s for the $7 pitchers of Bud Ice?I mean they make 40s of that shit best to get a yard of quality beer at the Ginger Man
April 27th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
Andrew Cassini, Vassar College?what a douche
April 27th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
bunch of pricks you all are?
April 27th, 2007 at 10:10 pm
I love how we?ve capured ”what a?” at a low point on Friday night, calling us all pricks. Taking out his Excel frustrations on the board because he can?t handle the life of a true banker. I?ll bet you?re from Canada too, you fucking zero.
April 28th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
To some extent I feel for this kid. I can imagine his comments were taken out of context and the jealous reporter was out to make fun of banking – but that does not excuse talking to a reporter !
April 28th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
So why hasn?t anyone bankrupted themselves on bespoke tailoring from Gieves and Hawkes. . . it?s the only way to properly outdo everyone
April 29th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
will give you a pass on the earlier post?.good work