Monday, June 18, 2007
Sheer Suckers
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I like my women like I like my loafers: expensive, fit, and more often than not, with a bit of bling around their necks. They’re probably my two favorite things in the world, women and loafers. Put to it, I’m not even certain which one I’d pick over the other. I’d normally be tempted to select women, but, it is summer right now, meaning that until the government mandates a universally implanted, 3-month contraceptive device (sans mood swings), the winner would have to be my loafers—the ones I can safely slip into bareback.
Note: My affinity for black and brown loafers does not quite carry over to their female counterparts.
But summer means more to me than just unprotected loafer-sex. Summer means Coral Reef, Jake Blue, and Bermuda Pink. It means timeshares, outdoor dining, and Bethpage Black. It means a seersucker hoodie when it’s a bit nippy, and seersucker shorts when it’s not. Summer means various things to various people, but one thing it means for most people in finance and all of New York is: interns.
In what other scenario is a city so flooded with impressionable, overeager, and clueless minds as summer in Manhattan? I’m told there is a similar wave of little political interns towards D.C. this time of year, but frankly, I’m not even certain they get paid. And anyway, what is the overall impact of that industry when compared to that of finance? Negligible. Don’t get me wrong—activism is to be applauded, but only in hedge funds.
Back to the subject. Emotionally, summer interns act intimidated and obsequious. And even if they hate finance, they are hyper-aware of the comfort that would come with getting an offer (a feeling perhaps only comparable to early action / decision to college), and they are driven accordingly. This is their entire psychology, terribly simple and uninteresting.
Instead of dwelling on that though, let’s consider a quick cultural analysis of the average undergraduate finance summer interns in New York, which is more interesting only in that we can amuse ourselves with their naiveté:
Where They Live
From 14th Street to 200 Water, New York University dorms get filled with juniors working in finance seeking summer housing. These units sometimes also house foreign graduate students (law, even). They often are minuscule. And they, without fail, have the pungent smell of Tier Four exuding from the walls (Does the stench come from that little torch that is their emblem?).
Tragically, the time when New York University’s dormitories are filled with the most intelligent students is the summer, when very few of the students attend NYU. One can only hope the NYU administration is aware of this and hoping some of the brainpower will rub off.
Note: Frugal Midwestern State School X students interning at Houlihan H(L)okey are known to spend their entire summers in one of New York’s, communal-bathroom “youth hostels.”What They Wear
Like their unpolished speech, summer interns’ fashion is a bit too frat. They can easily be spotted by their brand spanking new canvas messenger bags and shoes from Aldo. No joke, I even saw one on the street with white socks and black pants—must have been a rough day at work for him. Interns are universally clueless, but perhaps most tragic is that many have gone out with their mothers and intentionally invested in their “sweet” new threads. Come on Intern Mom—I know this shit wasn’t acceptable in your day, either.
Where They Go Out
Summer interns beam proudly when they’re out at someplace like Bowery Bar, the South Street Seaport, or that horrendous bar in the middle of Union Square; they’re almost endearing all lined up drinking Rum & Cokes or Long Island Iced Teas or god knows what. They will also spend a fair amount of time at the Hudson Hotel, Maritime, and waiting in line outside the Gansevoort, but the summer intern will, unequivocally, wet his pants and leave the bar/club scene behind if he even hears mention of a “rooftop party” (2 Gold! 45 Wall! et.al.).
Inspecting this culturally-unrefined species, it’s frightening to think that many interns will one day join the ranks of real Bankers and leaders of their generation. It’s scary to consider the massive amount of responsibility that will be placed on those young shoulders in just a couple years. It’s almost a miracle that the system functions.
But interns aren’t all bad, and there is a bright side to having my city flooded with them—it’s even more easy than usual for an established finance guy like me to woo a young female. “Deal flow,” as it were, is greatly increased.
As a matter of fact, I’m currently filtering a list I’ve aggregated from friends still at banks for a girl intern to invite out to East Hampton for an unofficial information session. I’ll mentor and guide her through all the tough questions she’s facing: was it ok that she was having some trouble understanding how to create a restructuring model for a bankrupt corporation with multiple cross-border divisions?—Sure, girls aren’t expected to complete the difficult work anyway. Will it be tough on her as a woman in finance?—No, she’s cute. And will it be bad if she doesn’t get an offer?—Yes, she won’t be able to leverage that offer for a better one, and she might end up working at a place whose name doesn’t incite envy. Imagine that.
She’ll nod (too frequently, as if she’s in class) through all of this, and her eyes will widen when I casually tell her the tale of the credit agreement I just negotiated. It was just for the revolver; but hey, that word even turns me on. Then, when she’s sufficiently impressed, I’ll bust out my new Tods1 (white stitching and tie) which will undoubtedly push her over the top.
Hopefully, if I filter well enough, my summer intern will be one with an unnaturally clear, acne-free complexion, and I’ll be able to simultaneously experience my two favorite things in the world, sockless.
—–
1Intern chicks don’t even require the real high-end shit.
June 18th, 2007 at 11:32 am
wtf !!!!
June 18th, 2007 at 11:42 am
golden
June 18th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Perfect?especially the cheese about 2 Gold and 45 Wall?. Can you please follow-up with ”How to get an Intern Chick” similar to ”How to get a banker chick”?.although I?m sure the former will require about 1/3rd of the explanation.
June 18th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Wow, this one seems pretty kind to the subject of ridicule
June 18th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Not all interns are simple, unpolished and naive. You were an intern once too.
June 18th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
yes, i love da summers? pimpin out a stable of young phillies as we speak?perfect for deal flow and da cash flow?
June 18th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
I read this because Gawker picked it up. Shit, as a woman I hate to admit this, but bravo dude!
June 18th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
that bar in the middle of Union Square does suck and I dont even live in Manhattan
June 18th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
ahh the sound of bedding a nice, young 22 year old intern gets me going and it?s only a fucking Monday. I just saw a couple of girls in the elevator that looked like exactly what he?s describing, it?s a good thing I hadn?t read this first or I may be in an HR meeting now instead of at the desk. I wouldn?t mind setting this week?s goal as getting a hat trick, and it might just have to start w/ tonight, given the 90 degree weather, when girls wear no bras and rarely wear panties. Anybody know any good spots on a Monday, this is usually my ”stay in” night. I will have to say that gay ”i love my loafer” shit is for homoerotic types like meandjoemoomoo and Hedgie. If you care that much about your shoes, I can guarantee you ain?t fuckin as good as you should be, and the girls know it.
June 18th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Z
June 18th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
really, I hope and pray this is a parody.
June 18th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
It?s just so funny seeing the interns walking around thinking they?re hot shit b/c they?re working in a big city for a well-known firm, when they?re actually running around getting me coffee and doing all the crap work that no one else wants to do. ”Dude, I told you to make those photocopies double sided!”
June 18th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
So as a summer associate at a law firm, I can?t help but agree with your sad but true picture of our ”banking world” counterparts (we?ve established a relationship akin to the Sharks and the Jets). With one caveat- don?t rule out the brown and black ones? as a ”brownie” myself, I can tell you you?re ruling out a very easy contingent of ”ladies.” (Smart?) Black girls love nothing more in the summer then a fling with a hot dumb guy that can get them into clubs.
June 18th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
dorothyp, this is not parody, each and every story is actually something that some of us have written in to LSO and they use our stories on this site. So, do you love working in finance? How is Prudential?s Oklahoma City branch, anyways, are they treating you well there?
June 18th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
The only difficulty with bedding a summer intern though (if they live at the NYU dorms) is the whole ID policy at the security desks. Its worse than JFK! Normally this wouldn?t be too much of a problem, but stumbling and fumbling at 4 in the morning, it can be quite a challenge.
June 18th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Bethpage Black? That?s a PUBLIC course. Wouldn?t a real banker be aspiring for Shinecock, National, or Maidstone?
June 18th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
When are we going to get a post about ”How to kill off the douche-bag i-bankers and similar a-holes” who are ruining NYC?
June 18th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
classic.
June 18th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
zzzzzzzzzzz, you?ll need to find a way to make the markets fall 20% and stay there for the rest of this year and through January, that?ll definitely clear out the dead wood and send a lot of the younger ones packing and running back to mom and dad. guestofaguest, uh, why wouldn?t you be bringing them back to your place, who?d want to crash in one of those crappy, cockroach-ridden spots anyway?
June 18th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Bandon Dunes?.
June 18th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
comment from Gawker post: ”Men of Wall Street, take heed: we may be easy pickins, but all the money in the world won?t make your fat, sweaty selves look any more like the toned, scruffy bartenders we?re fucking behind your backs.”
June 18th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
1 in 4 American adults have herpes. I?m sure you?re one. Girls who are willing to have bareback sex with some idiot fling have generally been around the block. Have fun!
June 18th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
i love gawker?s comment! funny cuz it?s true.
June 18th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
lame. you are an arse.
June 18th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
The best part about naive young female interns is that they are in the twilight years of their youth and still have a good attitude. A few years in the ”real world” and they will be 10x more bitter, 30 lbs heavier, and wondering why all the men their age are more interested in interns.
June 18th, 2007 at 3:31 pm
Aah, comparing women to loafers? Suggestions of mild racialism? Taking time out from an obsession with bedding naive women you don?t respect in order to criticise people whose wardrobes are more ”frat” than yours? You should be very proud of yourself.
June 18th, 2007 at 3:43 pm
New York is hard. You get sucked into this ultra-competitve world where you succumb, like most fragile individuals, to the status-seeking, envious, mean-spirited, and just plain nasty culture of Wall Street. You justify your existence by throwing out phrases like ”in the venture capital space” or ”I saw Peter Petersen the other day”??You casually mention the Ivy league business school you went to, and then, when you just can?t stand it anymore, you start a blog where you write scathing comments about the easiest targets in the world – female interns – probably because they resist your advances. Such nobility and high-mindedness. You all should get out of New York, get married, move to the suburbs, and thank God you are as lucky and as fortunate as you are.
June 18th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
the pun in that last line was bordering on genius.
June 18th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
didn?t know tods made a size 5.5 for your little bareback.. don?t worry a lot of interns say size doesn?t matter but most probably have acne.
June 18th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
The new term is not loafer it is ”deal slipper”
June 18th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Did someone really post using the name ”Baller Intern”? Lord help us all. Great post though – literally laughed out loud at the ”deal flow” comment.
June 18th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Dealslipper ”yes, I read that”
June 18th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
LOL @ quoted person under MoneyIsAllYouGot.. Thing is, in 10 years the bartender will be serving my kids fries at a drive-thru on our way to a skiing.. actually no, because I won?t feed my kids such low class, fatty shit. ”Fat, sweaty selves”.. AS IF!
June 18th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
I am shocked to find that some people still don?t realize this is satire. I shit my pants every time.
June 18th, 2007 at 4:55 pm
Lawintern, soon you?ll be one of the poor bitches (that?s a gender neutral term) turning our documents, spit polishing our commitment papers, hanging off our every word and generally taking it from the most junior Analyst, let alone Associate?
June 18th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
LOL @ Gawker readers thinking its real.
June 18th, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Brilliant
June 18th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
vineyard vines is not frat.
June 18th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
playing bed of roses while making out, that gets them
June 18th, 2007 at 5:21 pm
dogg pound gansta baller intern ???
June 18th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
All hail Lloyd – King of Bottle Service
June 18th, 2007 at 6:57 pm
Im sure an intern figures they cant catch anything by f*cking a banker raw. Most bankers dont get much ass anyway. Believe me, talking about all the dough you make does not make up for a complete lack of personality, a big fat seamlessweb belly, and in 90% of the time: a tear-jerkingly hideous face. But hey, you MIGHT help them get an offer
June 18th, 2007 at 8:30 pm
Prestigious post, as usual. Interns are quite influentials creatures indeed.
June 18th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
fuckin brilliant?this blog is to banking what entourage is to entertainment in LA.
June 18th, 2007 at 9:54 pm
those who diss the NYU dorms are morons? the NYU dorms in the summer are goldmines for young hot media and entertainment intern muffs. if you are a true balla, you can bang the hottest 19 to 21 year olds. here?s how da hustle works: 1) apply for an undergrad dorm for the summer and expect to pay around 2500 total 2) stock your room up with top shelf liquor and pure ganja 3) pretend that you are a banker intern who happen to live there (note: the m&e interns don?t give a shit that you?re a banker slave. the banker bit only legitimizes the fact that you work 24/7 and are never at da dorm)? 4) hit up the dorms thursday, friday, and saturday nights. invite all the media and entertainment young muffs over to pre-party, take them out to Marquee, Cain, Tenjune, whateva or any meatpacking spot would work? 5) take da hoes back to the dorm for the after party and shag to your heart?s content. 6) repeat every week and you?ll have a limitless stable of hot, young 19-21 year old muffs for the entire summer fuck wedding crashing? dorm crashing is for true ballas who likem barely legal?. gyea!
June 19th, 2007 at 12:17 am
you?re totally wrong dogg pound. biggest arb is having chicks that are struggling to pay 2500 a month for dorm living check out your 10K a month palace. I used to have a 4 bedroom 3 thousand square foot place my friends referred to as the ”pantie dropper”. Fact is that the interns are impressed by the same stuff as most gold digging women, they just have lower defenses. Screw ganja, coke is the new weed and everybody knows it. and just like most new york women, hedge fund beats banker any day of the week. Best comment from an intern i ever heard: ”you?re only 2 years older than me and you make more money than my dad”. It sucks that you work in the US. In Asia, you can hire interns purely based on looks. Then you have welcome parties where clients are invited. Fish in a barrel.
June 19th, 2007 at 7:36 am
TradeAsia, I don?t care if it was required that you sleep with the interns before you hire them, no person in their right mind would choose to go to the bird-flu capital of the world to bag interns. I have to say that I want to ”big-up” my boy Dogg Pound with the 19-21 year old demographic. There is nothing more pure than the mind of a 20 year old girl, zero complications, (cross your fingers) zero diseases, and thusly, a zero percent chance they let that post-op degenerate StraightTalker hit it. I cracked up with that ”seamlessweb belly” comment, very clever Bored Female Banker.
June 19th, 2007 at 7:48 am
Great satire. I hope. The tragic thing about this article is that what should be tongue-in-cheek is so often not amongst the priviledge-ridden, entitlement-obsessed moral weaklings that get excited about instrumentalizing their lives. Purely materially-oriented sophistication is simply an ironic form of complete unsophistication. This degree of navel-gazing nihilism really shouldn?t be amusing in a lighthearted way – that might be like reading Swift?s Modest Proposal and finding oneself hungry for Irish babies. The fact that it registers as remotely sane for so many on this wall just means we should be concerned – I?ll bet not many give a fuck though. That?s the problem I have here: satirical writing is only effective if the reader has any moral sensibilities at all; but I know too many people who do not and who would post precisely as others have done here. To those who posted here who actually have had the priviledge of a decent education but think the things said here are amusing in a non-satirical way – you?re sick and a waste of a society?s investment. If you think knowing the subtle class distinctions embodied by various loafers (with/sans socks) or bedding young girls makes you more of a man, you?re truly pathetic.
June 19th, 2007 at 7:52 am
i donts understands your ebonics ”why bankers”? stop droppin da street lingos and enunciate in English.
June 19th, 2007 at 8:11 am
I am not sure to laugh or cry or what. I do agree interns are easy. I?ve had my share. But your love for loafers? Dude, from a fellow banker, you?re pathetic and need a life. Get over yourself. I guess you can?t pull any normal ass and keep having to fall back on 20-22 year olds (yes, they are fun) to keep believing you?re the shit