Friday, February 1, 2008
The Money Seat
For the young professional in Manhattan, there is only one option on New Year’s Eve: spending $200 to drink all night at a single bar or club. For some, the price is daunting and hard to swallow; for Bankers, it feels cheap, homeless and takes the fun out of the experience, like eating during Restaurant Week. In any case, whether it costs more or less than our average night out, on New Years, we all do it.
For me, the $200 was a drop in the bucket. I might have paid it twice for all I know. It was a number you shrug at; and to put it in my friend Hugh’s terms: “only 2/3rds of a bottle.” That’s how Hugh measures things—in bottles. For him, the practice renders any sum trivial and makes spending casual and breezy, like it should be. A Lord Willy’s shirt—1 bottle; A black market Wii some IT guy is trying to sell on the corporate bulletin board—2 bottles. The habit is contagious, and just last week, when I heard the Back Office had put together some micro car called the Tata Nano, all I could think was: Holy shit. This thing is only like 8 bottles. And then, I do that on a Tuesday.
But there was more to this winter season than just a ticket to ‘Netti’s and a case or two worth of clothes from Bergdorf; there was a Bonus. Now out of Banking and in PE, it was still my first year Bonusing in the winter. And while it’s always nice to have someone give you few hundred k, I couldn’t help but remember last winter when I was an Analyst, looking in on the bonus hype.
There was a particular day in the middle of December that stuck out in my mind. At that point, the anticipation for numbers was insane. Associates and VPs were literally bouncing around the office, giddy, wetting themselves at the mention of the words “bonus,” “number,” or “figure,” the last of which proved particularly interesting when discussing charts.
But just as all this momentum was finally reaching a climax, it had to be bottled. Everyone was forced to set aside his excitement and eagerness to act restrained and calm, because on the day in question, not only were our office’s senior Bankers finding out their bonuses, all the firm’s senior bankers from across the country were in the office, receiving their own numbers.
As Analysts who got our bonuses in the summer, we were seemingly detached from the atmosphere; but we were actually quite involved. Thinking back on it, we had anticipated the day almost as strongly as if we were finding out our own tiering, because as the VPs and MDs would make their way out of the head of our group’s office, we’d get a glimpse of them when, for a moment, they were emotionally exposed.
Each group had an entire market built around the process, where guys wagered either before hand or the day-of who they thought would come out with a smirk on their faces and who would retreat back to their own offices wounded and ashamed. “10:1 odds that fat MD smiles” or “$500 bucks says that Asian VP from SF comes out crying like a little bitch!” And then more complicated financial instruments were built on top.
That all felt a bit too BS&T for me, but I, personally, was strongly invested in this day because visibility-wise I had, hands down, the sickest seat on the floor. Barely craning my neck around the cubes, I could monitor the expressions of everyone walking in and out of the office, and stretching a bit further, I could see the head of our group’s face as he greeted those who were entering.
Needless to say, every single Analyst wanted my seat. There’s a sweet anticipation to watching a grown man man whose life’s work is to fuck your kind over consistently with all-nighters get judged himself. You want him to do well because then it makes your team more badass, but at the same time, it’d be nice to see him wince. It’s like Jenny Humphrey hoping to see Blair Waldorf stumble, if Jenny weren’t from Brooklyn and Blair behaved exactly the same.
VPs conducted themselves drastically different from MDs in this scenario. While MDs were polished and generally had a decent sense of where they stood based on their client relationships, VPs were always just kind of out there, trying to latch on to anything they could and hoping it worked out come bonus time. As such, they reacted like goons, going in clueless and coming out with expressions that broadcast their numbers to the most significant digit. They’d have shit-eating grins and give the air a jab to the midsection or loudly whisper a curse, and we’d be reminded why, in general, VPs are really fucking lame.
Reading an MD, on the other hand, was a more sophisticated art. There could still be emotion caused by unexpected numbers, but hurt or happiness was obscured by stolid looks, showing up only in subtle, nuanced changes to their expressions.
I was a master of parsing their faces, and because of my prime positioning, I made it a point to disseminate the information I gathered out to my boys in real-time. We’d call out guys individually when one of their VPs got burned. And often, when we didn’t know someone from a different office’s name, we’d just refer to them by something geographic, like a high school or sports team from their area.
At one point, an unknown MD from the Chicago office made his way into the office to a low, rumbling “regional” chant. “RE-GION-AL…RE-GION-AL…” we repeated, in time. And when that MD exited, chin held just a touch too low, I instantly fired off the email:
“Looks like someone just reminded New Trier he’s a public school!”
And then, like a slow clap, “bushleague” coughs started to mount.
The real hitter MDs would stroll out of the office, and at the surface, they looked as calm and expressionless as when they had gone in. But as they walked by on their way out, it felt as if they smiled and winked, blanketing the room with a confident and firm: “Fuck yeah. I’m a badass. Someone go warm up the G4.” And then sometimes they would actually wink and point, motioning for someone to go warm up the G4.
They were old men, but it was the kind of masked glee that you see on a kid who’s hiding a crime, or a fat Credit Suisse chick who’s just found out there’s a fake Pinkberry opening on 23rd and Madison.
I remember that day, I saw an MD from another group with this exact type of excitement on his face. I couldn’t exactly place him, but I knew he was from the New York office and that he was fighter, a comeback kid of sorts. He had struggled initially, but with his fans behind him, he made up for it in the later months. At the time, I made emailed out some comment about Chapin’s squash team pulling out a city championship, but if it were this year, I probably would have, more appropriately, sent: “GIANTS MAKE THE SUPERBOWL!”
All that said, life is infinitely better on the Buy Side. Bonuses still come in the winter, but they are couple of orders of magnitude greater. I’ve even got my own hitter (shared) office. But as I think back on that spot on our floor, it really was The Money Seat—not even Hugh could figure out how many bottles it would be worth.
February 1st, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Solid. Keep it up. ??and wed be reminded why, in general, VPs are really fucking lame.?
February 1st, 2008 at 4:57 pm
There was a little more meat on the bone with this one, and a little less over the top hyperbole; good change of pace. Nice work Love the new trier reference.
February 1st, 2008 at 5:14 pm
5 on creativity, -3 on execution. Don?t quit your day job girl scout.
February 1st, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Three months off and this is the best you come up with? Terrible.
February 1st, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Someone go warm up the G4.??? And then sometimes they would actually wink and point, motioning for someone to go warm up the G4.
February 1st, 2008 at 6:33 pm
And?..he makes and awesome comeback to start the new year!!!
February 1st, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Could be worse.
February 1st, 2008 at 7:38 pm
?That all felt a bit too BS&T for me? I don?t even hate on traders and I find this hilarious.
February 1st, 2008 at 8:06 pm
welcome back
February 1st, 2008 at 10:09 pm
It?s been too long! Can?t wait for the book.
February 1st, 2008 at 11:25 pm
It insists upon itself.
February 2nd, 2008 at 12:07 am
7B baby. 300K EURO bonus in 2007 And still on top!
February 2nd, 2008 at 1:58 am
a long but good one
February 2nd, 2008 at 9:07 am
Weak. I definitely question the upcoming book. It?s said that this is all he came up with since late October.
February 2nd, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Of all the references, the half I caught were mildly funny. The rest were about intra-firm envy and women?s fashion, I think.
February 2nd, 2008 at 4:44 pm
hilarious, love the new trier comment
February 2nd, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Is my bank the only one not run by brain-dead retards? This guy hasn?t posted in so long because he was busy trying to find a new job after Wachovia laid him off.
February 3rd, 2008 at 12:24 pm
I cummed in your girl last night
February 3rd, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Terrible? take a lap.
February 3rd, 2008 at 4:38 pm
this really sucked; weak narrative, weaker plot, weak characters, weak allusions- dude if you got shit-canned, just come out and say so and keep it pimpin?.
February 3rd, 2008 at 6:48 pm
i love how everyone hates on wachovia. If we were to remove all pages with a derogatory reference to: a. wachovia, b. retail bankers i don?t think we?d be left with much!
February 4th, 2008 at 5:39 am
Lame.
February 4th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
It posts something funny or else it gets the hose again
February 4th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
*Had its moments Said: That all felt a bit too BS&T for me????I dont even hate on traders and I find this hilarious.* ????????- Blood Sweat & Tears?
February 4th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Correction BroadandWall, I think he was one of those guys rocking Zegna ties at Countrywide
February 4th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
The jealousy of Chicago on this board is hilarious! While finance professionals in NYC are getting laid off, Chicago is doing great. Citadel is having one of their best years ever. Enjoy your tiny cramped apartments, dirty streets, ugly women, and subpar nightlife, you NYC losers!
February 4th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
OK, but not great. I remember the days I would laugh so hard reading your shit. WTF happened to you man??
February 4th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Chicago?? Who the fuck doesn?t get that only NYC rejects got Chi-town placement. Citadel is doing great. Who cares? Sell-siders are getting laid off only because there aren?t any significant levfin groups in Chicago. Clearly it won?t effect the middle market too badly. On a side note, awful post. Always love your writing but this one was below the mark. Cheers.
February 4th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Chicago4Ballers, I thought we were done with you. Your insecurity about your dreary midwest existence is obvious, as is the fact that you have never been to New York. Please go away. I?m sure there?s a blog about life as a commercial lender in Illinois somewhere.
February 4th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
LOL! You guys crack me up! I went to an ivy undergrad and got job offers from NYC but turned it down for Chicago. I didn?t want to live in a shitty overpriced Manhattan apartment and spend weekend nights hitting up shitty clubs and bars that are filled with ugly girls. Yes, I?ve been to NYC plenty of times to visit friends and have been to the ?exclusive? venues. The nightlife and quality of women in NYC pale in comparison to Chicago. If you idiots actually partied at Chicago, you would know this. Oh well. I guess ignorance is bliss. Enjoy your second-tier city!
February 4th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Chicago4Ballers, your posts were amusing at first (I thought you were being sarcastic). Now it?s just tiring and annoying. Stop posting. Nobody likes you or agrees with you.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Subprime post. The malaise spreads to your writing.
February 4th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Chicago? Do people even drive cars there? Jesus.
February 4th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
HaHaHa: Why Bifurcate ?Wachovia? and ?Retail Bankers?? The fact that Wachovia is a retail bank renders this distinction useless. Also, people on this blog like to make fun of Chicago, S&T, Liberals and people who don?t look like them. Now go back to San Francisco and take your smiley emoticon and your Jamba with you. I hear burning man is only a few months away you might want go back to where you can grow your hair out and marry your gerbil.
February 5th, 2008 at 9:00 am
lame. I?ve never, ever felt the need to say that about an LSO post but really? lame. I still have high hopes for the book though. And what bank actually has their regionals come to NY in to get their numbers? most of the street (might I say, Douche Bank, ML, Citi in particular) probably cant even afford the plane ticket.
February 5th, 2008 at 10:19 am
??or a fat Credit Suisse chick whos just found out theres a fake Pinkberry opening on 23rd and Madison.? OMFG? funny as hell, can?t stop laughin!
February 5th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Whoa! I was just in NYC visiting some pals last weekend. There isn?t a city in the world with hotter ladies. Chicago is nothing. In regards to the Wachovia comments, life could be worse. You could be working for a F500 like me.
February 5th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Man, I couldnt even figure out what BS&T meant!@@#$?.I thought it was some new reference like Bridge(Subway)& Tunnel crowd or something like that? I need a drink?.. oh yeah?Chicago sux?.corn fed big ten blondes dont live in Chicago?.they live in Van Nuys, Ca and in my wunderbul dvd player?
February 5th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
I love reading all of the reactionary posts. The mental picture of you guys is somewhere just below Boiler Room status. It seems you all are meatheads and guidos. It occurs to me that you may have beat off to American Psycho and Wall Street one too many times. As an Ivy League grad, not fake ivy like UPenn and Cornell, and future MD I feel it necessary to put a little reality into your lives?You?re not fooling anyone. While I do concede that there are real life bankers on here, most of you sound like you are from the streets and drive Honda?s with spinners and whatever those tail lights are called. Please do not come back with any ?I?m from f***in? New Yawk bitch!? replies. If you would like to act cool and tough on the internet, may I suggest you provide proof of ownership for all of the bogus things you claim to own. Otherwise, no one believes you.
February 5th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
This is garbage, get your act together and either bring it or let us know that you?ve lost it so we don?t waste our time reading this pseudo-witty crap and dissing the oblivious Chi-town chump.
February 6th, 2008 at 11:32 am
namechecking chapin AND gossip girl? good post but you?ve been spending too much time with the high school kids at cain
February 6th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Which crappy hellhole do you go to when bottles only cost $300?
February 6th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
BetterThanYou obviously is from Dartmouth or Brown, since he has that complex about calling himself ivy league, but only puts down Penn and Cornell. Also, he doesn?t have the tact to understand that these comments, like the post, are intended to be self-deprecating jest.
February 6th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
All of you have no clue what you are talking about. Banking in SF is the way to go. Get paid the same amount, rent is cheaper, work less hours, weather is unbeatable. When you get tired of the trim here, you can get on a flight and be in LA, SD or AZ in less than an hour and a half. I have been to AZ, Tahoe, and LA the past three weekends, and I am still getting paid as much as you chumps freezing your asses of in NY and Chitown. Killin it in Cali!
February 6th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
slightly disappointed. sorry. :/
February 6th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
I?m glad you?re still finding time to write this fantasy post. You must be the only bright banker who didn?t speculate about the economy like all the other geniuses out there. I guess it doesn?t matter if you don?t know what you are doing, there is always the fed and the taxpayers to bail you out.
February 7th, 2008 at 6:20 am
WTF?too lame?too long?and too boring!
February 7th, 2008 at 7:25 am
San Francisco?? Are you kidding???HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Looks like we?ve got a new whipping post here boys!! Its your lucky day Chi-Town chumps! You?re off the hook!!! In SF, when the analysts talk about takin it in the ass from their VPs, they aint talkin about having to pull all nighters!!!! What a bunch a Fags!!!!!!
February 7th, 2008 at 11:26 am
OK, so what does G4 refer to?
February 7th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Not your best post, but still a good one. I think everyone will let this post slide because the book is coming. Is there anyway we can block all the NYC/Chi-town people from posting on here? They all claim to have gone to an Ivy league school?when in actuality, none of them did. If they did, then they would have a real job and not have time to argue about which city is better. Get a life?